Always chat by phone or online before you decide to meet. A call can reveal much more about a person than e-mails. How do they communicate and do they have social skills? Only give your number if you feel comfortable. We have a cell phone number that we feel comfortable giving out. It is also a good way to be in contact on the day you meet in case someone gets lost or is running late. Never be a no show. When someone sets a date to meet, even if play may not be in the works, to be a no show is bad manners. They have taken the time from their schedule and now they get nothing. We were meeting with a single guy and both had phones. We confirmed the day of the meet and everything was still a go. We went to the restaurant and sat for about 1 hour. He never called, never cancelled. The next day he got online and said he had car trouble and turned around. He said “I did not think it was important to call, I needed to deal with the car.” Not important! He had a cell phone. It was not like he had to go find a phone. We promptly blocked his profile.

Meet only when you are ready. We have had people contact us and on the first e-mail said. “We read your profile can we meet tonight?” What? I have nothing else to do? Who are you? Always start by introducing who you are, how you found them and then ask them to check out your profile. If you do not hear back or get a “no thank you”, respect that and move on.  If you are not comfortable or ready, state that fact. If they respect your need to go slow, then they understand the lifestyle. If they do not and they push, you are getting a bad signal so run, run very fast. We had a couple try to convince us that they would be the best lay we ever had. Other people had told them what great “fucks” they were. First, my best lay is my husband and second, who are these “other people”?

Meet in a safe place. First rule: Never invite them to your home first time. We had some friends who did that and when they met they were not interested in the couple. The couple stayed for two days. No lie!  Second rule: Never go to their home since you do not know what you are walking into. We had another friend go to the couple’s house thinking “we can always leave.” Yes you can but, first they were grossed out. The hosts had 7 cats, cockroaches and no heat. Again No lie! A bar, restaurant, meet and greet or club is safe because you can get up a leave and even if they do not take no for an answer, they cannot find you. Clubs or meets work very well.  If you do not click there are other couples to interact with and the night is not a bust. (No pun) We have some friends that when they meet a new couple they always say “we can meet you at the next party.”’ 

Single ladies! When you are setting a time and place to meet someone always and I repeat always, let someone know your plans. Be safe and let someone know who you are meeting, where you are meeting and we have even had singles call us when all was clear. We had a friend who had a date set up and it did not turn out as she had hoped. When she left the bar he followed her. She called us and we stayed on the phone with her. Never go to your home if you think you are being followed. Go to a public gas station or a place with a lot of light and activity. He must have figured out that she was driving in circles and backed off. You can never take to many precautions.

Watch for red flags. Your gut is your best instinct. Even before meeting you can sense who they are by their conversation. Watch for displays of anger, frustration at your questions, attempts to pressure or control. Do they seem intelligent? Are they rambling? Do they keep the conversation focused on sexual acts? When you meet, watch how they interact with each other as a couple. Do they communicate? Do they enjoy each other? Is one pressuring the other? How they treat each other is a big clue on how they will treat you.

We were chatting with a couple we found interesting and when we met she was constantly putting him down, undermining his conversation and being loud. They sure were attractive enough on paper but not in person. Luckily we only had to sit through some drinks then said sorry, not interested.

Not all red flags mean they are not a great couple, but they do mean they might not be right for you. We met a couple at a convention. She was so hot and she and I hit it off very fast. We would have gone and played but we did our do diligence and found out they were into BDSM. I have total respect for the BDSM community but I am not playing that way. I have known her for over 4 years now and we still enjoy flirting and fondling but when it comes down to the “nit and grit” we play differently. If we had not asked the questions, discovered more about them, we would have found a room and she would have brought out her “tools” and I would have fainted.

Never do anything you are unsure about! 

The lifestyle is about sexual freedom; freedom to explore your sexuality whatever that means to you. Coercion has no place in this free lifestyle so do not let yourself be coerced or be forceful with anyone else. I was in a group situation one time and I knew who the players were. One of the men reached up and grabbed my hair. That felt like an aggressive move to me. Now I could have just thought “he does not mean anything by that, he is a very nice man” The problem with that is while I am having that argument in my head, something is happening to me that I am uncomfortable with. So I said “no”. You can play with my hair, you can cum in my hair, but you cannot pull my hair.” We just moved on to another thing. There was not even a break in the play. Because I spoke up, we have been playing for years. If I had said nothing, then I would have never played with him again because I would have been afraid of having my hair pulled.

Another time a couple came to the club and he told her they were going to a comedy club. When she discovered where they were she was devastated. She felt betrayed and ashamed.  It is awesome do discover new friends and discover new things you enjoy doing, so give yourself some headway to try new things and meet new people. However, if it ever gets to uncomfortable, say no and take care of yourself.  Rule number one is: no mercy fucks!