Ms Manners can tell you the etiquette of which fork to use at a dinner party or explain the protocol for an elaborate wedding, but who will tell you about sexual etiquette? There are guidelines to ensure we treat our lovers and playmates with kindness, decency, playfulness and pleasuring. We It has been stated many times, people do not communicate with each other very well, so I am making a presumption that your mother did not share sexual etiquette with you.
Swinging is a social activity. We were chatting with a couple and they asked what to expect at a party. I told them the environment is meant to be one of social warmth and belonging. We find it so pleasurable to meet new people, friends and acquaintances at a party or on line. The appeal of swinging is truly understood when the social experiences are complimented by enjoyable sexual experiences.
When we started swinging we did not know what we did not know. I was very surprised by the wonderful reception and friendliness of swingers. As with any social situation there are rules of expected behavior. To make yourself welcomed within the swinging community, here are some rules of sexual etiquette.
REMEMBER THE GOLDEN RULE: The golden rule “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” is a good thing. The platinum rule is even better. The platinum rule is “Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.” Sound confusing? This is how it goes. Remember, we do not all like the same things. So if you like your nipples twisted and you think “oh golden rule” and twist my nipples, Ouch! I am not going to like it. However if you have taken some time to know me you know I do not like that so you do something I do like; kiss my nipples or lick them but no twisting.
EXCELLENT PERSONAL HYGIENE: Before meeting a couple or going to a club did you take the time to make yourself desirable? In swinging you meet new people all the time – so stay attractive. Nothing is better for keeping you on that diet, or staying healthy then the prospect of a party. If you do not take the time to make yourself desirable, is it fair to ask for or expect sex? To put it in the words of one of our friends “I take the time to get all dressed up, look desirable, shower, shave and brush my teeth, I do not want to be approached by someone who is sloppy and un-kempt.”
Excellent personal hygiene is imperative. It is good to always freshen up after a night of dancing or playing. Joan approached us once at a party and she was excited to be getting some terrific attention from several men. She asked “how to you tell someone he has body odor?” “I really like him and he is fun to dance with but as the night gets later, the smell gets stronger.” It is never easy to say “hey go shower!” Would it be too obvious to have a bar of soap and place it on their table? Probably not. One way is for couples watch out for each other. Be sure you are close enough to do a body and breath check. We always have our own personal toiletries with us. Some clubs do provide stuff but we always feel fresher using our own things. Few things will kill ardor more quickly than body odor.
TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER: Everyone has the right of refusal. You should not swing with a person unless you want to, and they do not have to swing with you. NO always means NO. Coercion has no place in free, healthy and playful sexual interactions. To pressure someone by threats or making them feel unworthy constitutes a kind of sexual blackmail. Even saying “come on, you will like it” or “why not?” is rude and prohibited behavior. One New Year’s Eve in the after-hours party we heard a lady say no to a gentleman and then we heard her say it again more emphatically. We took the man to the elevator, threw his clothes at him and said “You have until the first floor to get dressed.” NO MEANS NO. Be honest with yourself regarding your feelings and expect others to do the same. Do not say “maybe later”, if you really mean no.
When you say yes be enthusiastic and honest. We asked a couple to play one time and she said “OH my yes! This will be so fun!” That made us feel great. When you say no be tactful and courteous. “no thank you.” or just “No.” Most people prefer if you are upfront and honest. Accept refusal graciously. We all need to be realistic, we are not attracted to everyone and everyone will not be attracted to us. But the great part is there are plenty of people who will be eager to play. In a side note … be sure the yes you heard is a yes and not just your wishful thinking. Be sure you have received full consent to sex or some form of sexual play.
No is a powerful word even though it is so small. When you hear no you just move on to another couple or single. You do not take the opportunity to stalk or keep after. Even if you later see the desired person naked in a play room … hey you have already been told NO. At most Lifestyle functions there are plenty of play mates to choose from. If you are too pushy .. people will start to talk about the uncomfortable position you put them in. I guess I cannot say it enough. NO means NO and always means NO.
ALCOHOL AND DRUGS: I will start this section by stating the obvious. Sexual impropriety can be fought in court… a drug bust will cost jail time and can shut a Lifestyle function down. It is a universal prohibition of illegal drugs at any swingers clubs. It is a safety issue as well as basic survival.
A lifestyle function is designed to provide interaction with other couples and singles and provide the opportunity for pleasure. Couples, singles or club owners do not want to spend that time taking care of a drunk or someone who is high. The abuse of alcohol is unproductive. Many new couples help fortify their courage with drinking. This is OK, but remember, moderation. Alcohol and emotional situations tend to be difficult. You may finally be in a situation to fulfill a fantasy and are unable to sexually perform. This occurs more frequently than you might think – a man (yes, it’s usually the guys) has an opportunity to play with other people that he finds attractive, and can’t get it up because he has had too much to drink. You can imagine how embarrassing that would be.
As a rule swinging is a secret life for many couples and singles. What we do is not illegal; it just upsets a lot of people. We do not apologize for what we believe and practice; but are very aware of the social stigma still placed on us. Lifestyle people are conscious of the need to protect themselves from any action or situation that could draw attention and possible legal problems. Given the number of lifestyle couples that are professionals, the abuse of alcohol and drugs can be a serious issue. The abuse of alcohol and use of recreational drugs may get you kicked out of a party, and will get you alienated from couples not willing to jeopardize their situation.
There is a correlation between the use of IV drugs and the spread of aids. Since there are inherent risks in this lifestyle, we try to minimize unacceptable levels of risk. Any form of drug use and the abuse of alcohol will get you removed from most swinger’s A list.
So there you have it. What Ms Manners will not talk about, Lady Suzanne will. Enjoy your encounters with play couples and singles and always be good-mannered and respectful
How do you know which toys you like? How can you be sure before you spend the money on a specific toy? There are more kinds of sex toys out there than there are wine selections. Choosing the right one can be overwhelming, frustrating and expensive. Here are some ideas to help with the frustration saving you time and money. Toy time!
First, do not be embarrassed. The internet is a terrific way to purchase toys without the awkwardness and nervousness of being seen. For some, that is not an issue, but for others … oh the shame. There is absolutely no reason for turning red, getting hot or being mortified, but hey we do. When you shop on line you can read reviews, compare prices and get details on the function of the toy. All of this in the privacy of your home. If you find an item you want to actually see and touch (yes pun intended) then maybe a local store has some in stock. Find a store that makes you feel comfortable shopping in and has the right vibe. ( yes I said it)
Choose a web site targeted for women. Women understand women and they are softer on the eyes and easier to maneuver through.
Second, have an idea of what you like. Where is your happy place? The answer to that question will help you define the kind of toy you will delight in. Are you looking for external stimulation only? Things like bullets and pocket rockets are great for that. External and internal stimulation can be reached by wands in many shapes and sizes. Wands with specific curves can help you reach the G-spot and many now provide duel action.
When playing with others many women will share their man but not their toy. However, if you get the chance to try some, go for it.
Third, get good stuff. The toy industry has made big improvements, enhancements, enlargements, expansion oops, I digress, as women have demanded quality merchandise. There are still some cheap toys and crappy products on the market. On line you can check safety ratings, reviews and warranties. Use materials that are phthalate-free, nonporous and easy to clean. The instructions should be clear. I heard once that if the box has a cheesy-looking lady in a state of undress .. move on.
Share how you shop, where you shop and what you like. I am not a big toy person but while playing with a girl friend who is a toy aficionado, I discovered one she had that I liked, and I have enjoyed it ever since.
Is your body image holding you back?
Have you seen the new Dove commercials? Their campaign stars women ranging from size 6 to 16. Their message is “their belief is that beauty comes in different shapes, sizes and ages. Their mission is to make more women feel beautiful every day by broadening the definition of beauty. This message is take care of yourselves – take care of your beauty. It is a better message then “try to be something you are not.”
Hollywood has started to get the buzz as quotes in on of the People magazines, ”Short, tall big or small what really counts is attitude.” The magic ingredient is not how well does a woman fit into society’s picture of what a woman should be, but how well she likes herself. Confident women are sexy! You have sexy Reese Witherspoon at a mere 5’2’ and Serena Williams with her sexy 5’ 7”. Then there was Anna Nicole Smith and Camryn Manheim embracing their full figures. Every woman wants fashion and every woman wants to feel sexy and good about herself. We do not all have “model “type bodies. Hell, I am the grandmother of 12 and have never been a size 5, but if you ask around I am a cutie, and I am sexy.
How would you answer this question? “Are you sexy?”
- Would you sit up straight and with confidence say “I am drop dead sexy?
- Would you look down or slump and say “I am not very sexy, maybe cute but not sexy.”
- Would you begin to shy away or laugh at the thought of you being sexy?
Everyone can be sexy. Ladies, we need to remember that we are beautiful no matter our size and we can be sexy in any situation. By using your physical appearance, attitude, flirtatiousness, and body language, you can be sexy. There is something about everyone that is sexy; being sexy is about being you. Sexiness is tenuous and intangible. Is it about a pouty lip, silky hair and soft skin or is it about attitude and how someone carries them selves.
We sure enjoyed our first experience in swinging. In those days the internet was not used as much as it is today. My husband had a small ad in his wallet and we went to an on premise club for our first time. We did not know what to expect so we had no pre-conceived ideas. Upon entering the building we were greeted by porn playing on a TV and a rumpled man at the window. We were intimidated by how seedy things looked and felt; we did not give our real names. We went on a tour and there was too much sex everywhere and no one seemed to care about flirting or dancing. I really enjoy the social aspect of swinging, which includes flirting and dancing. We left out the back door. I looked at my husband and said “If that is swinging, no way!”
My husband was patient and a few months later we went to an off-premise club. We attended an orientation and met some new couples. When we entered the party there was dancing, flirting and so many people having a great time. I was very relaxed. We wanted to meet other people who were dancing, flirting and parting. We sat at the same table as several other new couples and by the end of the first hour I was giving my husband and a new man hand jobs under the table. When the party started to move to the “play room” we ended up with two other couples and it was amazing how relaxed we both were. We talked about the night for weeks.
Hey, I don’t have anything for the women’s corner, ’cause I am not a woman. But there will be something here soon.
It’s been medically proven that cum is good for you. I can’t find the refernces right now, but trust me – I read it somewhere. The active ingredient in sperm – tetrahydroexfolioxidates – has been shown to:
Cure physical ailments including headaches, sore throat and irritated bowel syndrom
When splashed on the skin it eliminates age marks and acne, and even firms up saggy breasts
Perhaps most important – it helps you lose weight. That’s right. Studies show that sperm increases production of testagammasutra, which blocks up to 83% of fat in foods. It is most effective if taken before, after, or even during, each meal. Plus once or twice at bedtime.
If God was a man, sperm would taste like chocolate.
“My husband and I are new swinging. We have chatted with a few couples who were not comfortable sending face pictures right away. That was fine with us. We chatted until they were ready to send face pictures, and we enjoyed the chatting we did have with them, but after seeing their pictures realized that there was no physical attraction. We don’t want to be shallow, and say it is all about looks, but we both feel that we need to be physically, and personality compatible with other couples in order for things to progress. How do we respectfully deal with this? Also how do we respond to e-mails from couples that are interested in us, but we do not feel the same? I know that I/we sound picky, but we are sharing a very private part of our sexual lives with others and need to feel comfortable. I/we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. “
There is so much talk about size, but does size really matter? Even in the Vanilla world there is talk about size. Size of breasts, size of butts and size of the penises. This is nothing new. Thousands of years ago painters and sculptors took artistic license with their subjects. Women were often shown with larger breasts and hips – symbolizing fertility. Males were shown with broader shoulders, larger muscles and, of course, larger penises depicted virility.
So, what is the truth? Does size matter? The truth is …are you ready for this?… there is no universal truth. Don’t you hate it when writers do shit like that? The truth is, each lady has her preference and often it is more an issue with men, than with women. You guys like to see us playing with a big dick. Unless you are teeny wheeny, most females do not care about the size and much as they care about you knowing how to work it.
Questions I am frequently asked are, “Will swinging break us up?” “Just how does the lifestyle affect a relationship?” “Does it have a positive or a negative effect on a couple’s relationship?” “What is the percentage of divorced because of swinging?” “Is it a healthy way to express your trust and sexual appetite or is it risky business of sexual roulette?” All these are good questions and worthy of discussion.
The purpose of the lifestyle is to enhance your relationship, not fix it. It takes trust, love and acceptance to be successful swingers. When this question was put out on a forum here are some of the answers.
The lifestyle will magnify your relationship. If it is bad, it will magnify the flaws and could blow things up. If it is solid, it will magnify the good and make it stronger. I have seen it over and over again where couples seem to grow within themselves, their relationships, and with friends because of the openness of the lifestyle. It could be that the lifestyle is the vehicle with which you discover new things about yourself. Many women find their true sensual selves once they join the swinging community.
How has the swinging lifestyle affected your relationship?